Five Easy Rules
by Tamara Evans
Summary: ...for a Harry Potter Mary-Sue. If you've read them or written them, if you love them or hate them, this you'll want to read.


**Disclaimer:     **I may not own the Potters, Weasleys, or Professor Sprout,

                        But I need to use your books- my ideas have run out!

                        Don't be sore about it, I mean your sales no harm,

                        Ms. Rowling, I adore you, your books just have such charm!

I beg you not to sue me, I have no money anyway,

But Mary Sues outnumber you, and they need help TODAY.

**FIVE EASY RULES…**

**FOR A HARRY POTTER MARY-SUE**

**A simple guide to keeping your woman in _her place_.******

            **Read carefully. Sudden realizations that you have violated these rules may cause instantaneous backlash and overwhelming guilt, and/or embarrassment. Always use Mary-Sues with caution, and be responsible when under the influence of self-insertion fics.

**1.** **Forty adjectives preceding one noun is overkill.**

For the love of God, when you describe her, keep it simple. No one wants ten paragraphs of physical description on someone they might not even be interested in yet!

            YOU SCARE ME: "Laura Longlocks whipped her long, black, shiny, sultry, soft, beautiful locks of hair behind her shoulder and grinned softly."

            BETTER: "Laura threw her long hair back and grinned."

**2.** **I don't know many people named Diamond.**

Hey, who knows, you might, but you also may be some raving, drooling schizophrenic psychopath. Keep names remotely realistic (including conventional spelling!!) and readers won't catch on to your ailment.

            YOU SCARE ME: "My name is [dramatic pause] Rainbow Crysstal White."

            BETTER: "I'm Josaphine Huber, nice to meet you."

**3.** **When she saves the day, (and we know she will) keep the bitch's ego in check.**

No one likes a cocky hero. Humble characters are easier to empathize with.

            YOU SCARE ME: "Oh, Xendra Winalot! You saved my life, (gasp) and the life of _everyone else __in the world!!"_

            "Yes, yes I know. It wasn't really that hard, actually. (Flash brilliant smile.)"

            BETTER: "I can't believe what you just did, Mary! We would've all been killed!"

            "I…I can't believe it either. I just- it just _happened_."

**4.** **Yes, they can be special, but not the 'most special-est.'**

Everyone has talents. However, everyone also has weak points. If you don't stress both evenly, you'll end up with a disproportionally PERFECT character whom nobody can enjoy, because she'll overshadow abso-fucking-lutely everyone else.

            YOU SCARE ME: "Well, I'm great in Arithmancy. But, you know, I'm really also quite good at Potions. Oh, I'm also a damn prodigy at Divination, Transfiguration, Muggle-Studies, Charms, Herbology and, oh, gee, everything else there is to know." What Mary didn't add was that her father was a physicist and her mother a model, making her both genius and beautiful.

            BETTER: Mary-Sue picked up the wand with ease and executed a perfect cleansing charm.

            "Wow, that was bloody awesome!" Ron whispered.

            She laughed and shrugged, "Yeah, sure, but see me in Potions and I botch everything I touch."

**5. Shut the woman up.**

Sometimes, Mary Sues talk so damn much about themselves they give everything away before the first chapter is even over. Try to tell _her story through the STORY, not a dramatic three- page dialogue that looks- and reads- like a boring novel. Mary __needs to be built off of interaction with other established characters, or people tend not to care._

            YOU SCARE ME: "Really?" Dumbledore prompted her.

                                    "Yes, that happened when I was three. At the age of eleven though, my parents were both killed in a horrible accident. I was really torn up over it, yeah- but then by the time I was thirteen I had adjusted to living with my evil step-mom. She used to beat me, but I'd hide in the bushes and pray that someone would come and take me away. I ran away at fifteen…….."

            BETTER: She hinted at the picture of her parents on the table. "They were good people."

            "And your step-mom?" Hermione asked.

            "Um, not so great," she grimaced, "Bitter woman. You get it." Scars on her neck that looked like cigarette burns told the tale Mary didn't need to. …(And so on.)

…Okay, so that last one was a bit much. **'Sob-story Mary' needs to be handled VERY carefully; remember the number one sob story is _Harry's_. Try not to top it or you may look like an ass.**

Please write responsibly.

Sincerely, 

Tamara Evans

Convicted of self-insertion, one count of Mary-Sueism and sickening humility.


End file.
